The Super Review 

Chapter 2

 

Chapter Two’s title is another misnoma, just like the first. In fact, I see this becoming routine for these reviews. “Welcome to the Team” isn’t about her joining the team; it’s about her meeting a team that doesn’t exist and one of the heroines makes a point of saying they’re not getting back together. Grossman alone knows why.

 

Still, we do meet the team, so it’s not as misleading as the first title. On the other hand, there’s no welcome involved whatsoever. But I’m jumping ahead.

 

For this chapter we are given the first-person account of Fatale, the cybernetic woman with the name of a hardboiled/noir archtype who usually gets men into trouble and turns out to be bad. None of these connotations are true. In the first passage, Fatale talks about her name being chosen from a list – was there some reason she couldn’t be trusted to make it up on her own? Or a reason it was so urgent that she choose a name before being in her right mind?

 

“Admittedly, I was on a lot of painkillers at the time.”

 

As well as being completely stupid, this is the first of two (at least) jabs at her own name, in which Grossman tells us through the character, he wasn’t happy with the name but he couldn’t think of anything better.

 

Never apologise. If you choose a bad name, don’t make self-conscious jokes about it unless it’s in character to do so. Otherwise, you’re just making your character unlikable. Justify bad names – there must be some reason you chose it – or just act like it’s an awesome name. Batman only sounds so good because we’re all so used to it. Better yet, change it to something you do like and is clever. It’s difficult, but writing isn’t meant to be easy.

 

After the blatant self-deprecation, Fatale tells us a number of things which defy logic, even if this were a comic book. Of all the accidents and injuries sustained on a yearly basis, Fatale claims she was just a tourist who was hit by a truck. Scientists decided that she, instead of the many injured war veterans, spies, experts in their field etc. who might have served better as cyborgs for the military, was the best candidate for this high-tech intervention.

 

Not only was she the first, but she seems to be the last. Because learning that you can make cyborgs who are adept at fighting isn’t valuable enough to try again. Also, when you no longer need that cyborg, you send them off back into society to do as they wish – even becoming vigilantes. Who cares about the billion-dollar tech they’d be taking with them?

 

“The main design and modifications were the work of an unknown party.”

 

This is given as a passing detail that I just accepted as fact. Nothing more is made of it until much later on, when suddenly it is brought up like a shocking revelation. I wasn’t shocked. I didn’t know I was supposed to care.

 

Apparently, Fatale kept a low profile after returning to the wild, despite huge overhead costs and vigilante duty, because nobody recognizes her. This is told rather than shown while Fatale explains the past few hours, which were a ‘blur’ but needed two paragraphs to fill in. Without those two paragraphs, we’d have never known about the paparazzi asking about Corefire, Galatea no longer being on the team or that it took three whole hours to get through security. Gosh.

 

Much like the jabs at her name, Fatale’s unimportance is continually flaunted like a medal of honor, because she’s our eyes and ears, just as new to this world as we are. Except, it just paints her as a rookie, way out of her depth. 

 

Then, suddenly, Fatale throws in the word vertiginous. I was impressed because, I’m embarrassed to admit, I had no idea what that meant. But why was it in Fatale’s diction and not Impossible’s? There’s no indication that being a cyborg and having computers in her head have made her any smarter, and up to this point her language hasn't been much beyond that of a pre-teen.

 

While relating the overwhelming presence of her peers, it’s pointed out that Galatea and Corefire are missing. I guess we didn’t need that information from the two hour blur after all.

 

“Whatever this is, it’s global. The tides are off, and there’s a temperature drop in the deep ocean. And CoreFire is still missing.” In the Crisis Room, Damsel tells us the world is ending. We sit in a half circle, like children. A U-shaped table spans the room, and Damsel hovers at the open end before the wall of monitors.

 

‘Whatever it is’, is never actually explained. Or even pursued. Grossman just kind of forgets about it. Or maybe one of the other 600 or so heroes deals with the ‘end of the world’. Funny… I keep reading temperature drop, not apocalypse.

 

As an added bonus, our heroes are described as children, which gives us plenty of confidence in their abilities. In honesty, the novel does have them running around like children playing make-believe and deciding what the story is rather than abiding by the facts.

 

It’s interesting that the U-shaped table is mentioned after the half circle. It seems like it’s redundant, but actually, it gives me the image of them all ignoring the marble table (which I assume is the U-shaped one) and instead sitting cross-legged at Damsel’s feet waiting for story time. Hopefully, their bedtime book is better than this one.

 

As well as having an ironic name – which sounds pretty good, but not as ‘a half serious play on her father’s vocation – she also wears two swords, which she can’t use most of the time because she’s a superhero and swords are slightly pointy and stabby. I’m pretty sure they’re never mentioned again.

 

A far from seamless transition is made between the display on the screen behind Damsel and the eight members around the table. I don’t think we’ve even been told what they’re members of yet. Fatale lists Feral, Rainbow Triumph and Elphin – all without description, although Feral’s tiger head has been mentioned, as were Elphin’s wings.

 

We’re also told that there are some supervillains at large. No reason to worry about them, however, they’re not even suspected of being part of the grand scheme, and aren’t mentioned ever again.

 

Then we get dialogue from Blackwolf, introducing the fifth of the eight members.

 

“Honey, we haven’t seen a serious threat for almost a year. I’ve been almost bored.”

 

This, we later learn, is directed at his ex-wife. He stills calls his ex, ‘honey’. He’s also moaning that they have nothing to do – as if heroes are supposed to be there for the thrill. It works for characters like Ben 10, who constantly has lines like this, but as Blackwolf isn’t meant to be a ten year old boy, it really doesn’t fit.

 

After that the tiger-headed “cat-thing” speaks in a run-of-the-mill voice, and Damsel cuts him off… after he finishes speaking. Ostensibly, cutting him off was Grossman's attempt to show Damsel being a leader with authority over everyone. When she speaks people listen. But that's not the impression we get. 

 

“He has the same fail-safe signal device as the rest of us.”

“I know,” Blackwolf replies. “I designed it.”

“Could he be off-planet?” I ask.

“Not without saying something. He and I have a deal about that,” Damsel says. I look for some sign as to whether this was a stupid question.

“You honestly think there’s something behind this,” Blackwolf says, as if I hadn’t spoken.

 

This block quote shows off the sparkling dialogue, with Blackwolf once again sounding like a ten year old boy, while simultaneously telling the reader he’s really smart and designs gadgets and stuff. We’re not even told if Fatale’s question was stupid – although the fact that Damsel bothered to reply indicates that it wasn’t. Yet that’s not enough for Fatale, who seems to think Blackwolf should also react somehow to her inquiry.

 

After this, we meet Mister Mystic, who actually does have a unique voice that fits his character, but doesn’t ever add anything to the story. Number six of the members, and number three who shouldn’t have existed. I forgot to mention Lily, a character seemingly made of glass, but then she is used to being overlooked/forgotten/ignored. There’s also mention of a changing roster for the Champions, but none of the old team mates are mentioned, and Grossman forgets all about them later on, particularly in the appendix at the back.

 

Now, and only now, after all sorts of information thrown in for padding, does Damsel decide to introduce the team to Fatale. Having already mentioned her name several times, Damsel announces it in dialogue, followed by the other members we’ve already met and been told about, one by one.

 

“I can’t help but feel it’s a courtesy to me.”

 

Making such an obvious statement once again make Fatale look like a fool, while at the same time highlighting the fact that these introductions are entirely for the reader’s benefit. But as I’ve said, the names have all been mentioned. It wasn’t necessary, for anyone. What should have happened, is Damsel should have introduced Fatale to the group and it should have ended there. It also should have happened at the start of the meeting, not halfway through.

 

After this, there's a short, worthless flashback and an imaginary conversation to go with it, followed by lots of talk which name-drops more superheroes who have nothing to do with the story, lock Corefire as a rip-off of Superman, introduce the idea that these ‘heroes’ are little more than celebrities and prove that the ‘group’ knows nothing and doesn’t want to do anything to find the answers.

 

We also learn that Blackwolf “was diagnosed mildly autistic before he was a superhero”, which might explain the ten year-old voice, but doesn’t excuse it or make it effective. Some other equally irrelevant personal details come through, all told in Fatale’s thoughts, rather than shown.

 

This leads into Elphin’s backstory, which Fatale doesn’t believe but is completely true – and having decided Fatale was an idiot, I never doubted it. Then we get more of Fatale’s origin, which isn’t really an origin and doesn’t provide new information, before finally finishing with a comment on her sleeping patterns.

Her creator is mentioned again, but not in a way that makes me think it’s important to the plot. In fact, none of this chapter felt particularly important to the plot.